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Blinking away the tears...

Just let me cry...even if the tears fall down like rain...let me sing..is it eases all my pain...let me go...let me walk right out on you...and if the sun comes up tomorrow...let me be...let me be

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

For the longest time...

I am restless tonight. I can't sleep though I have to say that I am so damn tired...tired of doing nothing. for no apparent reason invading someone's privacy seemed to be a very good idea at this hour so i just plugged in my laptop and started reading "confessions of a screwy mind." i that actually an invasion of privacy? i think it is but on the other hand i don't think so....who cares? he would...it's his stuff..but then it's published...i sound like "gollum" right now. INTERNAL CONFLICT.

how am i supposed to react to all the things i have read? how am i supposed to feel about him already finding his soulmate...suddenly i feel so inadequate...i guess i have my own insecurities in a way. or does it really matter...what matters to me is to have someone's heart...what's the point of marriage if only the body is present in the relationship and not the mind and soul?

i believe i have found a really great guy and i know i shouldn't let go...but i am only a sentence away from doing that actually...i don't think i am good enough for him. i think he deserves better. i think he deserves someone like yati. he speaks highly of her and i think she must be a really great person..near perfect person. and i am just a nobody who is trying to find her way in this world. for the longest time i have been so messed up. messed up in every way there is..until i met him recently. i fell for him hard and it's still the early stages of the relationship to be talking about big things...

a part of me is asking myself...am i using him to fix myself..the situation i am in? i always want to think of it as being saved...like he is my "knight in shining armor" even though in actual sense i am using him to ease this pain inside. this pain that has been tormenting me for the past three/four years. i think i lost track of time. i was blinded by the pain that a man has caused me and for that i will never forgive that man. how could you betray me when i have given everything to you...most importantly i have given you my trust. for me giving someone your trust means a lot. it's not tangible..i have to agree...but it's priceless. to lose someone's trust would be a shame...i'm not saying that i don't believe in second chances but then why can't some people simply think about the consequences of their actions before acting upon it.

all i know is that he is someone i can trust and i know that he won't break my heart but after tonight's episode i am not quite sure. why do i have to be so dumb and ruin everything that has been going on so well? i can't figure out myself...it's like i like being hurt. am i inviting pain in my life? is it life or is it me? pete used to say that life's a bitch and at some point i have to agree with him but then isn't life what we make of it...so if i were to agree that life's a bitch would that make me one? pete has a way of saying things i guess and probably he meant it in some other way...

this guy is smart..by my standards and believe me when i say that because i set high standards to everything in my life. that's the implication of growing up with a perfectionist mom...it almost turned me into an obsessive-compulsive person. he is good looking..he is charming and he has his own way to everything. even his views regarding life in general evolves around pain and he kept on repeating how i can relate to him when he's talking about pain. i guess i know a thing or two about pain...yeah..that's an understatement... :)

the thing about me is that i can talk about one particular thing in so many different ways. it's like going around in circles with different diameters. anyways...back to this guy..not gonna disclose his name...too dangerous...we went to the same primary & secondary school but we didn't really meet each other during secondary school because we just went our own ways. after that he left for boarding school and for the states. he went to one of the best places to study and for that i will forever be envious of him. i never got the chance to better myself by getting a tertiary education in a good university. i was stuck in this crappy place which nearly caused me my life. i was once suicidal. it scares the shit out of me when i think about it now.

we met during raya..last raya puasa..and we really talked to each other. we were chatting away and couldn't really be bothered about anyone else in the room. that was the starting point. after that i decided to taint his mailbox by sending him an email. he has something against tobacco...again i find that amusing and i kinda like people who are opposed to my opinions. i like a debate on certain topics which i think i stand a good chance of winning or at least presenting logical/sensible points!!! that's always the case with me. i like to win all the times and when i actually lose i find it unacceptable. i know it's childish but i can't help it. anyhow...that was th eonly form of communication between us until recently he msgd me. we met up and since then have been meeting each other almost everyday. practically there hasn't been one day that i haven't met him since we went out. it's kinda freaky though...but i know we try to make space for each other...make space as in...let him spend time with his friends and me just spending a boring night at my cousins' place just because i didn't want to be seen as clingy even though i wanted to spend time with him that night...stupid of me!!!

now...we are a couple!!! i find myself having trouble comprehending the whole idea. i have someone in my life now and that someone happens to be a very great guy. but i have learned not to build an imaginary person that looks like him....i am trying to accept him the way he is. he is not complicated..he is far from complicated..he just has a mind of his own. something like me except that in my case i think i am a complicated person but for once there is actually someone who understands the complication i have created.

three days ago i thought i was in love...suddenly i am not so sure i still am. i don't know howit would feel if he were to call me up tomorrow and tell me that he is walking away...if he does i don't think he is actually giving it a chance at all. i know i messed up big time tonight but then i deserve another chance to improve myself...to change in to a better person. the thing about him is that i don't have to create an imaginary figure because he simply says all the things that i want to hear...he happens to be the person i hope he is just by being him and i know i have not bared my soul to him so he doesn't know at all what i am looking at. so...i can safely say that tonight's conversation is the most adult conversation i have ever had in my life even though i still think i messed up. i have never seen him in such a manner...he seemed to know what he was talking about and i know he wasn't saying all those htings just because he wants to impress me because that's definitely not his repertoire....btw, after tonight's discussion i am a bit confused..i don't know if he's still my boyfriend...or is he cut out to be just a friend to me.

it's not easy to drop someone from your life esp if that someone has been around for so long. but then was he really there or were you alone all along? he was never there when you needed someone....needed him of all people. you have been abused...i have been abused and who would have thought that i of all people...could have been abused by another man...not only emotionally but also physically. i can't really feel the pain right now because i am actually feeling numb at the moment. maybe i can tell you how the pain is like tomorrow.

i think i love this guy and tonight has been a different thing for us....no carnal pleasures involved...simply the mind and the wit. he remains a mystery to me...when we were about to walk to the car he said something that touched my heart...i can't believe he said that when it's actually me who should be saying that...he said,"you are crazy to love someone like me." he said he as nothing to offer without realizing that he has everything to offer. he..the man he is...his stands in life...everything about him is already a good deal...what else is there to argue about...how can he say that i am crazy for loving someone like him. he is the one who is getting into trouble by wanting to be with me. i think i am the one who would be breaking his heart and i pray to Allah for that not to happen. not to him. i don't wanna break his heart. not his heart because he is so pure to me and i am tainted.

he doesn't like me smoking an i tried to quit yesterday but i wasn't strong enough because i was thinking a bit too much. i can't think too much and not smoke at the same time. i felt like a junkie. for once inmy life i felt like a junkie for puffing away tonight. bad...tobacco company bad...

and then there's this song....our song...at least i wanna make it our song...ronan keating..it keeps on appearing on air everytime we are together and i think it's just fabulous. "she believes is me...i'll never know just what she sees in me..i told her someday if she was my girl...i can change the world"

a part of me feels like i have screwed up just by being the messed up me...but then i shouldn't mislead him. i'm just messed up. i have to put things back in order for myself with or without him around and it's not for his sake...it's for my sake...i need to be a person who isn't confused with on in less than a month whether she loves her new boyfriend or not. that's just bad...how can i be confused...maybe it's because of the way he talked to me that made me confused..but then he kept on holding my hand when i was blabbering away...destroying everything.

i just can't think anymore..i need to get some sleep even though typing away seem to be a much more inviting option than jumping into bed...but then i wanna go to the gym tomorrow so i have to wake up early and drive over to the gym....i have to work out becaue i have ben neglecting my body for so long and these few days i have been eating non-stop. until then...so long!
posted by juju  # 12:06 PM

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